if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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