70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
