you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
