I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
