: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
