sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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