why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
