Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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