Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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