Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Randomize
