dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
