Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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