Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
