TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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