oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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