just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
