also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
