I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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