I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
