Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
