for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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