Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
