you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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