last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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