there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
