K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
