Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
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