i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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