Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
