every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
