I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
