I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
