I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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