About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
