i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
