Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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