i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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