At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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