it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.