I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
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She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
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I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
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