from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
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WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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