we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
