VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
