Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Randomize
