Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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