there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
