i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
