make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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