Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
