I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
