Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
