My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
