dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
