I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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