Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
