oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
