Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
babies were throwing up all over the place
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
