Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
not ubering you a puppy
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
